I brought my momma home yesterday from a respite stay. A stay that was agonizing to do, and yet it was the best thing for us all. She has been suffering and her anguish was not well managed. During her stay, she was fully evaluated and morphine was initiated on a regular basis, which has alleviated all of her distress. She had a few moments of smiling, and now is genuinely calmer and more peaceful. This is such a blessing after so many distressing months.
She has held on for so long, fighting this disease with all of the life force within her . And once she has finally begun to relax her body, we now see the full effects of this horrid disease on her physical abilities. Her muscle control is fully affected, and she is barely able to walk. She no longer has the control to hold her head upright or eat with any ease. Her swallowing capability has declined further, making eating now a real challenge- not that she has any interest in eating anyway.
I have learned over these many months to bend into the flow of change with my momma, but these changes have hit my core. They were not present or as pronounced 6 days ago. The rapid onset- or appearance now of what has always been there lingering, is one more vivid example of the devastation of this disease.
The losses never cease with this disease. Letting go requires meeting and honouring each step, but there are so many times I feel we are being hurled into this abyss of loss and devastation. All I can do, is move with this flow, trying to accept all that comes. But sometimes I want to build a beaver dam and stop the flow long enough to breathe into it, before being hurled into the next step. I ache for my momma, for her suffering. I ache for her, for all of her loss. I ache for her, for the work that she is doing to hold on, and then beginning to let go. I ache for all of the families that must suffer so.
And… I am learning, to search for the honour and the love in all the dark moments. I am learning to find that tiny beam of light, that reminds me of the miracle of our shared suffering and love together. She is teaching me strength. She is teaching me how to let go of all that we believe we are as human beings in physical form; in order to find and know the power of the essence within.